Parents who share custody usually want to make the situation as painless as possible for their children. While it may be difficult to adjust to having time away from the children and the new family schedule, parents often make every reasonable effort to prioritize their children’s needs.
Even the best-intentioned parents can make mistakes that have mental health consequences for their children and may impact their future relationship with them. The three common behaviors below are more problematic than parents might initially realize. Avoiding them is usually in the best interests of everyone in the family.
Using the children as messengers
Parents adjusting to shared custody often recognize that direct interactions could lead to arguments. They might give their children information to pass along to the other parent. They might send the children with a reminder about an upcoming special event or the importance of returning certain items, such as prescription medication or equipment needed for sports practice in the upcoming week. Instead of putting pressure on the children by forcing them to act as messengers, adults may want to use a parenting app. That way, everything is in writing, and they can easily review their conversations and parenting schedule.
Asking invasive questions after an exchange
It is natural for parents to wonder what their children did while they were with the other parent. Inquiring about whether they had fun and if they have already had dinner is reasonable. Interrogating children about a co-parent’s new relationship or the minutiae of their interactions can feel burdensome to the children. They may feel split between their parents and concerned about the impact of the information that they share. Inquiring about the basics to ensure that the children have their needs met is reasonable, but using them as sources of private information about the other parent can prove damaging in the long run.
Speaking negatively about a co-parent
Maybe the other parent is sick or has a last-minute change to their work schedule. They might have to cancel a parenting session. Perhaps the parents have found themselves disagreeing about specific matters related to their children’s education or healthcare. The negative emotions that one parent feels toward the other are normal. However, they should not share those with the children. They do not want their negativity to influence how the children perceive their other parent.
Negative talk about a co-parent can make children doubt the intentions of the other parent. They may internalize that negativity, which could impact their self-esteem. They may also worry about the parent talking negatively about them to others, which can affect their bond with the parent engaging in negative speech.
Parents who prioritize calmness and who have healthy outlets for their emotions may find it easier to adjust to shared custody. Avoiding common mistakes may make it easier for people to adjust to the new family circumstances and to maintain a healthy connection with their children.